I'm on a Rant (And How We Can Change Our Stories)
You have the power to
Change your story
This week has been…….interesting.
I think there's a tech demon laughing maniacally somewhere. He's (yes, I'm calling him a "he") doubled up on the floor and rolling in delight. I picture him as lanky, scaled, and green. His eyes might be red, but I'd never know. He's cackling so hard he can't open them.
I've spent no less than 11 hours trying to get my internet up to speed and several hours attempting to set up a check out cart (it's still not right). I've been compelled to apologize repeatedly to my clients as we tried to power through calls on the beta version of a new video platform that still has some quirks. And I sent the wrong blog link to my email list - for the second consecutive week.
I traded my highly anticipated birthday massage for an internet technician visit, and my new shirt has a hole in it.
Woe. Is. Me.
Life is rough, and I've got the evidence to prove it.
But hang on. I haven't told you the whole story.
Getting Stuck in the Negative Loop-de-loop
Our brains LOVE negativity. Why?
Way back when, our ancestors didn't have to worry about slow internet speeds or tech snafus. They were more often facing threats to life and limb.
Logically enough, their brains became highly efficient at watching out for danger. Priority one was identifying threats. It could mean life or death, after all.
Fast forward to present day. The threats aren’t the same. We may consider ourselves highly evolved as we navigate our modern world, but our brains could use some catching up. They still thrive on honing in on what's wrong. That inclination is so strong that some researchers have suggested we need five positives to outweigh just one negative!
This instinct is nurtured and strengthened when you're in medicine. It's your job to be on high alert for what might go wrong. Being on the lookout for danger is how you help safeguard your patients' care.
The downside comes when you add in the high-achieving, often perfectionistic tendencies of introverted healthcare professionals. Your instinct is on overdrive and you can’t help but noticing the subtle flaws in most everything. You can end up spiraling into doom and gloom.
Have you ever made a slight oversight or misstep and found yourself hours - or days! - later beating yourself up and questioning your competence?
Or, perhaps you found yourself running into a few snags in your day, and before you know it, you've decided nothing ever goes right for you?
You can thank your brain's negativity bias for that. But, wait! There's more!
Storytelling Gone Bad
Storytelling is an inherent part of our lives.
When done right, it helps us to dynamically connect with others, preserve our traditions, learn about the past, and expand our knowledge.
Storytelling can also be a great way to express our emotions and share our experiences. Before detailing our stories, however, we first need to consider who's doing the sharing.
I'm sure you've noticed that inner voice that narrates almost every aspect of your life. It's remarkable in its dedication and seemingly never takes a break.
Unfortunately, our negativity bias can encourage our inner narrator to start telling the same sad stories over and over. Sure, the details change, but the underlying tale does not.
That voice can have a tendency to overthink and exaggerate. Rather than appreciating nuance, the narrator delights in taking everything to the extreme. The monologue often boils down to, "I'm bad. They're bad. Everything is bad, bad, bad."
It's an extremely frustrating and, to be frank, boring story. What's worse, when we start to believe the negative stories, it affects our self-esteem and relationships. We end up missing opportunities and can walk ourselves right into an unwanted self-fulfilling prophecy.
Welcome to the Writer's Workshop
If this feels familiar, here's a framework for crafting a more compelling tale.
Step 1: Name your story for what it is.
The most crucial step to changing your story is noticing when you're headed down the path of negative thinking, whether it's about yourself, others, or the situation.
I'm happy to be an example here. When I sent the wrong blog link to my email list for the second week, my brain immediately jumped to, "Two weeks in a row!? They're going to think I'm an idiot, quit opening my emails, and unsubscribe."
My inner voice was not mincing words. Story noted!
Step 2. Separate the facts from the creative embellishments.
While the emotional intensity of your story can make it FEEL true, that doesn't mean it is. Determine what in your story is reality and what's creative flourish.
Writing out your internal dialogue can be helpful. By getting the words out on paper, you create distance between you and the story. It makes it easier to parse out what's fact and what's not.
In my case, the only true statement was that I had sent the wrong blog link to my email list for two consecutive weeks.
The rest was purely speculation.
Helpful questions to separate fact from fiction include:
Is this interpretation the only possible one?
Am I making assumptions? Generalizations?
If I asked 10 people to narrate the facts, would they have the same story as me?
Have I used "always" or "never" in my description? (If so, it's probably not a fact!)
Step 3. Become a benevolent editor.
Every great story has, at its core, a simple arc. There's the setup, the conflict, and the resolution, leading to growth, learning, or change.
Now's the time to rewrite your story in a way that leads you to that final act: growth, learning, and change. It's much more interesting than, "I'm bad. They're bad. Everything is bad, bad, bad."
Don't just sit around spewing demeaning gossip about yourself (even if you're the only one hearing it). Get out your red pen and offer yourself new perspectives, insights, and compassion.
Notice how you can acknowledge disappointment and frustration when things don't go as planned without automatically making it mean something about your inherent worth as a person.
Consider how difficult circumstances help you define your values, recognize your strengths, or encourage flexibility.
In my case, I took a deep breath, fixed the link, and resent the email (which was accompanied by a fresh set of thoughts that also needed editing).
Then, I gently reminded myself that I was not the first - or last- person in the history of the universe to send the wrong link in her email and made a plan to prevent it from happening again.
Recognize the conflict. Find a solution. Grow and learn.
Step 4. Add the "feel good".
OK, here's where I admit I'm a sucker for happy endings. So, in my writer's workshop, we're definitely not going to leave out the "happily ever after."
This is where compassion and gratitude come in. Give yourself a pat on the back for taking time to see a new perspective, try on a new thought, or change your course of action.
And always make room in your story to add the little bits of "feel good" that come from recognizing what's going right.
The Final Edit
You have the power to shape your life through the stories you tell yourself. We all do.
Our narratives influence how we see ourselves and the world. They also affect how others receive us.
It's our job to pay attention and decide what we want our tale to be.
When a friend called and asked me about my week, what was my story? I shared the same rant I just shared with you.
But I need a redo because it wasn't the whole story.
This is the new version (in rough draft):
I sent the wrong link to my email list for the second week in a row. I ran into some tech issues. My internet wasn't working as planned. I had a hole in my new shirt.
AND
I received multiple thoughtful cards in the mail. Yay for real mail that isn’t a bill! I was surprised with 2 new books, a gift card, and a collection of yummy organic teas. I hugged and was hugged (too many times to count). I had time to hike in the forest on two separate days. On one of those days, I randomly decided to walk my usual loop in the opposite direction and ran into an old colleague I hadn't seen for years. I gathered with new and old LinkedIn connections to support each other in our growth. I had the privilege of supporting clients as they reached their goals. I played with my dog. I solved a cold murder case (it was just a game, but I'm still pretty proud of my sleuthing skills). My partner took me to my favorite Mexican restaurant - I may or may not have eaten too many chips. I still have flowers blooming in November. I spoke with several patient and helpful customer service representatives and technicians who finally discovered an error in my account. I’m happy to report my internet is now zipping along. Oh, and no one yelled at me for the email goof. I learned I can make a mistake and live to tell about it.
It's been a good week. That tech demon is looking more and more like a cute lizard.
The end.
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Charity is a physician and burnout coach helping introverts in healthcare escape feelings of apathy, irritability, and resentment brought on by the increasing demands and decreasing rewards of medicine.
She uses her 20 years of experience in clinical medicine combined with coaching to help introverts discover ways to be diligent, thoughtful clinicians while prioritizing their needs and protecting their energy. She wants you to know you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting a thriving life inside and outside of medicine.